I cannot claim to know what killed the very talented singer with ballads that brought tears out of the strongest of souls. This woman could sing to the gods & they would respond but she was Christian & voice was in service to her beliefs. The viral news of her death is all over social media & what struck me are the domestic violence allegations. The story is that her husband killed her. Hopefully, there will be an investigation & this woman will get the justice she deserves.
I’ve read so many ‘leave to live’ comments & some are just downright nauseating. Nigerians love buzz words in our woke culture. We like to pretend to know, when we’ve not taken time to understand. Religious leaders, who teach us to take vows that say “till death do us part” are now saying we should leave. Political correctness is so cosmetic that you’ve to really read between the lines to see where people lean.
As a divorced woman, I was a recipient of the God hates single women narrative. It didn’t matter that he beat me to near death, it didn’t matter that forged a birth certificate for his younger sister to pose as his child, in our Canadian immigration documents where he was the primary applicant and got us a 5 year ban, it didn’t matter that he was recklessly driving the children & I to our death because he was angry, what the religious pundits saw was a marriage that could never be broken. My life seized to exist in their eyes because I was married. I will, never forget the look on the Priest face when he said, “I will be shamed for being single.”
This ‘shame’ is one of the many reasons people would rather die than leave. Someone said, I used to post pictures of my ex husband so that must mean I was a hypocrite. How can I now say he was also abusive? What people, who’re not given to critical thinking fail to realise is that humans are not black or white. Our humanity exists in the grey areas. My ex, was not always abusive. Infact there were days I slept feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. He made me very happy when we were not fighting over his need to neglect the family we were building to focus on his mother & siblings. There were moments even after the domestic abuse that I was grateful to have him in my life. He apologized and I moved back like many victims.
So, when people who do not share this lived experience say ‘leave to live’ without an understanding of the intricacies in abusive situations, I shut down. We were socialised to value marriage and it is hard to fail your children. That is how I was taught to view divorce. If you’re not financially liberated, you will suffer in a country where the courts are slow & legal processes are expensive. The stakes are so high that, I understand why women stay in abusive situations. I understand it period.
Many people who are surprised by how long victims of abuse stay trapped in their relationships are themselves part of the cause. Our society and our ideals keep people locked in. There so are many explanations, I can give as to why people stay, so many! Its very instructive to hear the survivors of domestic abuse speak for themselves, stop speaking about a pain you’ve not lived. Whether it is fear of retribution, learned helplessness, “Stockholm Syndrome” (where the victim identifies with her aggressor), or addiction, the ties are very hard to break. The psychological reasons women stay are naturally less visible, making it hard for many to understand and sympathize with victims.
Now, let me speak to women who will read this who’re still playing seductive Russian Roulette in their abusive relationships. The only person that can end an abusive situation is you. Until, you decide you’ve had enough, you will continue to lie to your soul & it will show up as addiction, anxiety, depression or even illnesses. Once, you decide please be informed that the Universe does conspire to help you.
1) You will meet angels along the way but you must show up for yourself and your children every single day.
2) Some of your married friends will suddenly fear you (many of us women were raised insecure so we never know if our men will stray), so feel free to cut them off if their energy disturbs your peace.
3) You will learn to prioritise yourself, something you probably weren’t taught to do.
4) You will need a half way house or safe space so feel free to move in with your parents (only if they’re unconditionally loving), good friends, trusted organisation’s safe house or a small safe place if you can afford it
5) Prioritize your mental health. You are all you’ve got & if you’ve kids probably all they’ve got so be well so you can thrive
6) Hustle, be about your own evolution. Gain financial freedom, you’ve no idea how amazing it is to rely on your own magnificent self
7) Love above all. Return to love. Let life not take the love away from you. Love is who you are. Please do not pass on hatred to your kids even for your abuser because he is their dad & their experience may differ from yours. I believe strongly, that many abusers have deep seated pain within them, don’t recreate that in yourself & your precious children. Allow your children the freedom to cultivate their own minds. Too many damaged kids become abusive adults. Don’t pass on the pain. It’s your divine curriculum not theirs so be adult enough to ensure it stops with you.
In the coming days, we will know if this woman was indeed murdered by her husband. However, there are some women who’re sleeping with one eye open & perhaps men. Honour yourself enough to choose you, hypocritical society will be fine.
Above all else, I wish you peace that surpasses all understanding, my dear brave courage soul.
