Each year as the holidays approach, I notice my single clients’ anxiety levels rise. Fearing lines of questioning and judgement about their dating lives from family and friends, as well as a dread of arriving at parties without a date, many of them see the holidays as dangerous terrain. Often, single people are asked to defend themselves at family gatherings—or muster the patience to attend events with friends who are all coupled up. If you are single in November and December, it can feel hard to just exist.
Something about the holidays makes people question singles more harshly. There’s an insistence that being single during the holidays is inherently bad, and this can make feelings of loneliness even more intense. Not because there really is anything that different about being single during this time of the year than the rest, but because we have expectations that the holidays should be celebrated with romantic partners and family. That external pressure can become internalized.
But you shouldn’t—and don’t—have to suffer through the holidays. In fact, your singledom gives you freedom to celebrate the season however you want to. It can even make the holidays, well, fun.
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For instance, traveling by yourself or with friends can be an amazing way to not only slyly avoid some of the trappings of traditional holiday events, but also give yourself something to look forward to and talk about when you get asked about your holiday plans. Instead of being grilled about whether or not you have a new partner, you can share what you’re most looking forward to on your trip. Travel can include domestic or international locations that you’ve always wanted to explore.
If you opt for the solo travel route, which many love because of the chance to be a bit selfish, maybe you get to tick off a destination on your bucket list. Focus on a location that will bring you joy, expand your horizons, give you time to relax, or challenge you.
If traveling is out of your budget or comfort zone, you can create fun and enriching holiday memories at home. If you live in your hometown and people tend to stream in during the holidays, consider organizing a holiday party. You can go all out on decorations if you host or find a festive spot to all meet up. Your out-of-town friends will appreciate having something to do besides visit family and you ensure that you get valuable face time with everyone.
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If you live in a city that empties out during the holidays, make the most of any time off that you have by exploring cultural sites that are usually too busy for locals to enjoy. You can become a tourist for a few days, visiting museums, trying out restaurants in parts of town you don’t normally go to, and lingering in bookstores, coffeeshops and parks. Take yourself out for dinner and a movie. You can even just enjoy your regular routines, like going to the gym and running errands, without the crowds. While you’re out and about, nothing’s stopping you from meeting new people and drifting through the day doing exactly what you want, when you want.
If you feel too burned out to make holiday plans, that’s fine, too! Staying home, getting cozy, watching holiday movies, and spending time with roommates, friends, or a furry friend if you have them are fantastic ways to spend the holidays. If you are overwhelmed by invites, politely decline. If the idea of spending a whole week with family seems like too much, scale back to just a few days.
Instead of catering to other people’s demands, consider how you would rather spend your time. For some people it’s ignoring all of the pomp of the holiday season. For others it’s creating their own traditions. No matter where you live, there is so much to do during the holidays. Look into holiday markets and craft fairs, special events happening at your favorite restaurants and bars, and holiday-themed comedy shows, drag performances and plays. You can even catch a classic holiday movie at the movie theater.
We can all get sucked into the momentum of the holidays and forget that we can set boundaries around our time, who we spend it with, and how. It’s important to notice what you really enjoy doing versus things you do out of social obligation or that zap your energy. This is a practice you can start during the holidays if you’ve never done so before, but it can continue beyond that. If sitting through a holiday dinner with your friends and their partners always makes you feel like a third wheel, you can advocate for yourself and your needs by skipping this year. You may also decide that instead of sitting through a whole night with them, you’d prefer to only hang out for an hour or two. For any invites you decline, you can propose another activity that makes you feel more included in the fun.
The holidays don’t have to be an anxiety-ridden, lonely time. But you don’t need a plus one to have fun. Know that there is nothing inherently “couple-y” about this time of year. You can celebrate by yourself or with friends and loved ones on your own terms, create your own traditions, and take in all that the season has to offer as a happily single person.
