At this point in election season, you might be as interested in voting your outspoken uncle out of the family as you are in casting your ballot for the next president of the United States. Differing political views can rip family members apart, making everyone feel like they’re walking on eggshells in the lead-up to Nov. 5.
“There’s a lot of stress that people carry knowing everybody is feeling tense about this,” says Jenna Glover, chief clinical officer with the mental health app Headspace. “Some people have actually lost relationships, and it’s important to acknowledge how that impacts our mental health.”
With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to say to the relative whose politics you despise in order to keep (or restore) family peace.
“I won’t be talking about politics today.”
You know what they say: Never talk about religion, politics, or money in mixed company. Setting a clear boundary is one of the most effective ways to preemptively squash disagreements, experts agree. Make your intentions clear ahead of time: Before hosting your kid’s birthday celebration or meeting up for a Halloween costume party, reach out to family members and establish some guidelines, says Bradford Stucki, a psychotherapist in Provo, Utah. “Suggest a politics-free zone for the gathering,” he advises. Emphasize that you want to keep the focus on the kids, or the festivities at hand, and ask for a commitment to avoid polarizing topics. If the conversation still ends up turning in that direction, shut it down: “OK, that’s enough of that,” or, “We’re not talking about that here today.”
Read More: How to Set Boundaries With Relatives, According to Family Therapists
“Can you tell me a story that helps me understand how you came to believe that?”
If you’re sitting at the kitchen table with a family member, and they say something opposite of what you believe politically, take a breath and summon your curiosity. Then ask them to tell you about the personal experiences that shaped their perspective. “Our most polarizing conversations are often an exchange of talking points divorced from context,” says Jill DeTemple, a professor and chair of religious studies at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and an associate with Essential Partners, a non-profit that helps people build relationships across differences.
Asking for the story behind someone’s beliefs can help us remember that our family members are complex, and that their ideas might come from a place we recognize, even if we don’t also subscribe to them. “Maybe I disagree with my uncle, deeply, about guns, but his story about his sense of accomplishment and belonging after shooting his grandfather’s rifle for the first time will help me remember how kind he was to me as a child,” she says. DeTemple recommends asking yourself: “Am I having dinner with family because I want to convince everyone to think like me, or because I want to be reminded that I’m a part of something bigger?”
“If I heard only what was on your news feed, I’m sure I’d think the same thing, but I’ve had different experiences in my life.”
This approach resonates with Nealin Parker, executive director of Common Ground USA, an organization dedicated to peace-building. She thinks of it as a gentle reminder that even the most compelling news stories “don’t apply equally to everyone’s lives.” Plus, it can be a helpful way to remind people that the most well-informed and sincerely held opinions are often grounded in lived experiences, Parker says. That can open the door to conversations centered around a desire for mutual understanding.
“What kind of compromise or solution might work for both sides?”
Make a point to seek common ground in politically charged conversations, Glover advises. One way to do that is to raise the subject of potential compromises or solutions—which will help you and Cousin Bob come together, rather than focusing on how different your views are. Talk out how you’d both tackle a problem with the economy or health care that you feel strongly about. As Glover puts it: “How do we work to come up with a solution that’s inclusive and that’s helpful for most people?” These brainstorming sessions encourage people to feel like they’re on the same team, she says—and are more productive than picking a fight.
Read More: 11 Things to Say to Persuade Someone to Vote
“Tell me more.”
It might seem counterintuitive, but Parker likes this tactic because, if you can convince someone you really want to hear their perspective, they tend to shift from ranting into talking. “It can make people reconsider their most inflammatory comments, and sometimes even make them want to hear more from you about your beliefs,” she says. So the next time your brother starts bashing your favorite candidate, ask him to tell you more about where he’s coming from—and you might be surprised at how quickly the temperature in the room lowers.
“Could I have permission to share my point of view?”
It’s OK to share your perspective with people on the opposite side of the political spectrum—but Glover likes to start the conversation by asking for permission. Doing so is a technique commonly used in counseling called elicit-provide-elicit: First, you find out what someone else’s point of view is; then, you provide your own perspective; and finally, you ask the other person for their reaction. “The other person has actively said, ‘Yes, I do want to hear,’ and it puts them in a different place of openness,” she says. “And of course, if they were to say no, then that’s good for you to know. Why waste your breath on somebody who’s not going to listen?” In the 20 years she’s been employing this strategy, however, she’s never had someone opt out of hearing what she had to say.
“I’d like to have a chance to learn from each other, because I respect you but see the world differently.”
This phrasing is effective because it lets your family members know that while you may disagree with them, you intend to ground your discussion in respect and genuinely want to better understand where they’re coming from, Parker says. It’s essential, however, to mean what you say. If you don’t want to learn something from your relatives or maintain a relationship with them, that’s fine—but in those cases, it’s usually best not to engage. If you decide to proceed, aim to talk one-on-one—privacy makes conversations more constructive—and remember that good things don’t happen overnight. “One conversation is unlikely to result in significant change,” Parker says, but it’s a start to build on over time.
“Maybe we could revisit this conversation when we’re both feeling more calm.”
If you recognize that you and your family member are both on edge—maybe your pulse is starting to spike, or your chest is getting tight—it’s time to step away. “As humans, when we feel pushed, we’re going to push back,” Glover says. That all but guarantees the conversation won’t go anywhere good. By suggesting you revisit things later, “You’re basically letting go of the balloon that’s about to pop, and saying, ‘Let’s just take a break from this.’” That way, you can ensure neither one of you says something you’ll regret later, Glover adds.
Read More: How to Survive Election Season Without Losing Your Mind
“I mean, I’ll vote for any candidate who will boost the economy, cut my taxes, and…prosecute people who remove their shoes on the airplane.”
Sometimes, humor is the best tool to diffuse heated situations. That’s why a simple comedic device called the “comic triple” can work well, says Paul Osincup, a comedian and author of The Humor Habit. The idea is to list three things: The first two should be obvious or mundane, while the third is funny or surprising. By utilizing this technique, “You’re gently redirecting the conversation to a lighter topic: pet peeves,” he says. Your family members will likely start laughing and chime in, “I know, that’s so gross!” Or, Osincup adds, they might tick off the pet peeves they’d abolish if they were president. “When everyone is in on the joke, they feel more connected,” he says. “Shared laughter is empathy in action.”
“I’ll just be glad when all of the campaign commercials are over with—they’re ridiculous!”
Here’s another way to get a smile out of your family members. Describe what a political attack ad against you (or one of them) might sound like, Osincup suggests: “Kyle says he’ll make the best VP for accounting, but he still spends $8 a day at Starbucks. Would you trust your money to Cappuccino Kyle?” “You’re poking fun at a pretty universally shared experience—disliking political commercials—and then redirecting the humor to yourself,” Osincup says. He recommends giving yourself a nickname (preferably with alliteration) and delivering your ad in a booming, dramatic voice.
“Looks like the Cowboys might beat the Eagles this year.”
If things start going downhill at one of Glover’s family gatherings, she redirects to a topic that has the same energy, but feels a lot safer: sports. It’s much more fun, after all, to fight about football teams than political parties. And remember: If your family member won’t let the election go and is determined to pick a fight, you don’t need to participate. “Some people are going to continue to create an environment that’s not going to be healthy, and it’s going to impair your judgment,” she says. “Take control over what you can, and recognize that sometimes, there’s nothing you can do other than remove yourself from the situation.”
